


Returning to Shitty Normal

by Lutefiskfisk



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Depression, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Implied/Referenced Violence, Maximum Security Prison, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Missing Scene, Nichorello, Season/Series 06, Separations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-17 17:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16521002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lutefiskfisk/pseuds/Lutefiskfisk
Summary: After the riot, Lorna finds herself alone in Max. Missing scenes from Season 6.





	Returning to Shitty Normal

**Author's Note:**

> So... I wrote a thing. This is something that I really would've liked to see in the show, but the show didn't deliver, so I figured that I had to do it myself. Hope you enjoy! Feedback is appreciated.
> 
> Shoutout to junkienicky for your proofreading and input!

 

Looking back, she couldn't tell how she'd gotten here. It was all a blur of voices, people bumping into her, dreadfully long waiting periods, questions that she mindlessly answered, gruff commands that she robotically followed, and all of it was accompanied by that nauseating, gnawing feeling deep inside her. She remembered how she kept looking out for anyone she knew through tear-filled eyes, but it was no avail. And when, finally, after God knew how long, she found herself in that large crowded room behind barred gates, she frantically ran around asking anyone who'd listen if they'd seen Nicky, Red, Gina, Piper... _anyone_. But they all negated and after a while, she noted that people were looking at her funny. Annoyed, amused, pitiful... But she didn't care. All she felt was the nausea and the panic that were growing stronger with each question, until she came to realize that none of them were here and that she was all alone.

And now Lorna found herself curled up in a ball in the bottom bunk, staring at the wall of her miserable little cell.

 

* * *

 

She wasn't sure how much time had passed. Judging by the number of meals she hadn't bothered to attend and the number of periods in which her cell was shrouded in darkness, she estimated a few days. Not that it mattered. She spent all her time lying there, in her bed, facing the wall. Her state of mind alternated between an all-consuming numbness that rendered her unable to think, unable to feel, unable to move, and indescribable sadness brought about by the realization that this was her life now. A sadness that lured silent tears down her pale cheeks and made her feel like she was running out of air. In phases like that, she desperately tried to calm down, reminding herself of some of Nicky's last words: _'Everything's just gonna return to shitty normal.'_ She endlessly repeated these words in her mind as she attempted to steady her breath, until they became some sort of mantra. But she couldn't quite believe them anymore. Just _how_ could things ever return to normal? None of her family had yet reached out for her and she saw no point in trying to reach out for anyone herself. How could she, when she didn't even know where the fuck she was? She wished that she'd paid attention to her surroundings during the bus drive, but she just hadn't been _able_ to. And now, she was _truly_ all alone.

She couldn't help but think of how different this was from her arrival at the camp. Back then, it had been summertime, she'd taken walks in the yard under the bright, warm sun, and there had been Nicky, who had taken her under her wing from day one and thus made what should've been a scary situation a lot less scary. But here... everything was just cold and grey and sad. As she lay there with closed eyes, it felt so fucking unreal that she was utterly convinced that when she'd open her eyes, she'd be back in her cube in camp and it'd turn out that all of it was just a bad dream. She opened her eyes and looked around. She was still in the cell. She pinched her leg. It hurt.

New tears welled up in her eyes. She longed so badly for someone to hold her, for someone to take her pain away. But she didn't have anyone. She was alone. All alone.

 _'Calm down,'_ she thought, hugging her pillow tighter to herself. _'Everything's gonna be alright. It's gonna be shitty normal. Shitty normal... Everything's gonna return to shitty normal.'_

 

* * *

 

Every once in a while, her bunkie, a black woman with long dreads and an accent that Lorna couldn't quite place, would talk to her, but whatever she said, it went right over Lorna's head and only caused her to burrow deeper into her thin excuse for a blanket. Sometimes, when she opened her eyes, she found a small food item in front of herself, like a waffle or a piece of toast that surely her bunkie had placed there. Lorna appreciated the gesture, but she couldn't bring herself to eat.

One day, she heard her bunkie's voice clearer than usual.

"Girl, you gotta to go and eat something," the woman insisted. "The COs are getting suspicious and you do _not_ want to give them reason to force-feed you and send you down to Psych."

What difference would that make? But Lorna didn't have any fight left in herself, so she just shrugged and got up, slowly trudging behind her bunkie on the way to the common area. After days of lying, walking felt like a right chore.

Placing a tray of food in front of herself, she sat down next to her bunkie, but there was a heaviness in her stomach that took away every last bit of appetite she had. She felt the woman's gaze upon her as she listlessly stirred her watery oatmeal with her spoon, and it unnerved her, but she said nothing.

"Hello? Can you hear me?"

"Huh?" said Lorna, looking up to the owner of that annoyed voice. On the opposite side of the table stood a tall emo-looking girl. Lorna recognized her as one of the Latina inmates from camp who would tauntingly refer to her as "Lorna la Loca" whenever their paths had crossed in Nicky's absence. But now, her mouth wasn't twisted in a sneer; instead, she looked uneasy.

"I asked may I sit here," said Emo Girl. "This place is fucking packed."

With grim satisfaction, Lorna concluded that this girl must also be alone in here _. 'Now you don't feel so confident anymore, without your stupid fucking friends, huh?'_ Lorna thought. But all that made its way out of her mouth was "Sure."

"Thanks," said Emo Girl, visibly grateful, and sat down. She put a spoonful of oatmeal into her mouth, scrunching up her face with distaste as she swallowed. "Urgh, that stuff is disgusting," she said, shuddering. When Lorna showed no reaction, Emo Girl studied her face, brow furrowed. "Hey, are you alright? You look like shit."

Lorna shot her a glance that hopefully conveyed that she didn't appreciate being described like that _at all_.

But Emo Girl didn't seem deterred. "Wait, it's your girl, right?" she pressed on. "What's her name... The one you always hang out with? The one with the hair? That got the makeover from us?"

Oh, Lorna remembered the makeover. After that, Nicky hadn't looked at all like Nicky anymore but more like a bad, trashy recreation of Audrey Hepburn. It hadn't helped that when Lorna had seen her in that look for the first time, Nicky had been making out with some random fucking whore that Lorna had never even seen before. As chaotic as all of it had been back then, it had been simpler times. It was hard to believe that only a couple of days had passed since then.

"You mean Nicky?"

"Yeah, Nicky. She ain't here?"

Lorna shook her head no. Feeling an unwelcome sting in her eyes, she quickly turned her gaze back down to her vile oatmeal.

"Guess we're in the same boat then," Emo Girl said. "My best friend... Maritza... She ain't here, either. Assholes forced us onto different buses and I don't know where the fuck they took her. For all I know, she could be on the other side of the country. That blows."

Lorna looked back up at her, a feeling of sympathy suddenly rising up in her chest. "How do you deal with it?" she asked, her voice small, blinking tears away.

Emo Girl just shrugged. "I guess we just have to keep on keeping on."

 

* * *

 

Her talk with Emo Girl (who actually went by the name of "Flaca") made Lorna realize that other inmates could see that she was in quite a state. She remembered the words that Red had once instilled in her: _'The second you're perceived as weak, you already are.'_ And she decided that she needed to get her act together. She may not be caring much anymore, but she still cared enough to know that she did _not_ want to end up as everyone's punching bag. Also, as she remembered with a pang, she had a baby to take care of.

And so, she forced herself to have regular meals again and to spend less time in her cell. She mostly hung out with her bunkie, Adeola, who actually was quite pleasant if one disregarded her unsettlingly frequent bowel movements but spent more and more time with Flaca and another Latina girl from camp, Daya, who actually _was_ every _CO's_ punching bag.

(Lorna remembered Daya from Red's Raped-by-Pornstache scheme. She'd been pregnant back in camp, but whenever Lorna tried to discuss motherhood with her, she would harshly tell her off for some reason, and eventually, Lorna stopped addressing the matter.)

A few days into this routine, Adeola didn't show up for count.

Lorna first didn't think much of it - sometimes people just didn't realize how time flies by - but unnervingly soon, her ears were reached by the rumor that Adeola had gotten caught up in a fight between two girls from C-Block and had been sent to hospital.

If Lorna had felt dread before, she now felt horror. This place was crawling with psychos. Not only did the inmates from the different blocks fight each other (there was some animosity between her D-Block and the inmates from C-Block clad in blue uniforms that she only got to see during yard time), no, there even were fights between the members of the _same_ block. Sure, there'd been fights back in camp as well, but most of them had been nowhere as bad as to require hospitalization of the involved. Lorna's vision got blurred. She wasn't safe here. _Her baby_ wasn't safe here. This place was fucking dangerous. And she couldn't allow herself to be seen as weak. For her baby's sake.

 

* * *

 

The thought was sudden and unwelcome. One moment, Lorna was sipping on her diluted breakfast juice, the next moment it hit her that this was Litchfield Max and that Nicky had spent the whole summer here.

She might have walked around in this very hall. Maybe she'd slept in one of the cells in Lorna's field of vision. Perhaps she'd even sat at this very table at some point. Lorna gently ran her fingertips over the battered metal that made up the table top. Had Nicky been feeling like this, too, scared and alone? The thought made her eyes brim with tears. She might have. But in the end, she'd made it out okay, hadn't she? She was so much stronger than her.

Only that she wasn't, Lorna realized. She'd ended up relapsing. Lorna shuddered, wishing she could be with Nicky right now, wishing they could take away each other's pain like they used to. She was sure that Nicky must be scared now. Yesterday, she'd learned that those who had surrendered during the riot, including herself, would be getting away without any extra time, and Lorna was grateful that Nicky had given her this chance. But on the other hand, she'd also heard that the Feds were going to make an example of those who had stayed behind, which must include Nicky. The thought made Lorna's stomach churn. What would be happening to her now? In a way, she was almost a little angry with Nicky. If neither got any time added, they'd be released within a few months of each other. But now? God knew. Part of her wished that Nicky had gone with her so that that prospect wouldn't be changed. And there was this other part that wished that Nicky had let her join her instead of being _so fucking selfless_ , so that they could face whatever was in store for them together. Now Nicky had to face it alone, but Lorna hoped with every fibre of her being that Nicky knew that she was right with her in her thoughts, wherever she was.

A sudden wave of nausea hit her, and she wasn't sure if it was brought about by her thoughts or if it was another bout of the morning sickness that was plaguing her these days. She jumped from her seat and rushed into her cell.

When she was recovering, sweaty and trembling leaning against the wall, she swore to herself that she'd stay strong and live her best possible life. That's what Nicky would've wanted. She was going to make sure that Nicky's sacrifice would be worth it.

 

* * *

 

Lorna had mixed feelings about seeing the doctor. On the one hand, she had to go anyway to inform him that she was pregnant (for the life of hers, she couldn't remember if she'd done that when she'd been processed, her memory of her transfer was that hazy). On the other hand, as much as she was determined to do better, asking for something to improve her mood was scary. She was very much against psych meds. Having to take them would mean that there was something wrong with her, wouldn't it, and there just... _wasn't_. After all, she wasn't in Florida, she wasn't in Psych, and she sure as fuck wasn't one of those crazy psycho bitches that walk around stabbing people. No, in her case, it was nothing but a temporary solution. An act of self-preservation. She just needed something that would make her appear a bit tougher, so that she, and, by extension, her baby, would be left alone until she'd found a place for herself in here. Nothing more. She'd already noticed that some of the other inmates had labelled her as "Kooky Cookie", and that just wasn't right. After all, she was just as normal as everyone else, she only needed help after she'd gone through so much. And once she'd properly settled in, she'd just stop taking whatever the doctor would give her. It was as simple as that.

(But she wasn't above admitting that Adeola's fate had shaken her up doubly. Not only had it made her aware of just how dangerous a place Max was, she'd also lost her bunkie. And something about the woman's presence and her warm voice had been sort of comforting. Of course, Lorna hadn't known to fully appreciate that before she was gone. Go figure. Seems like that was the one thing that Lorna was great at.)

Five minutes later, Lorna walked out of the doctor's office with a prescription for prenatals and a medication to lighten her mood. For some reason, it made her feel queasy, like something was fundamentally wrong about it. She half wished that she could discuss her concerns with somebody, but she couldn't think of any person who would _understand_ , except perhaps for Suzanne. Back in camp, the poor girl had seemed so scared at the prospect of being without her medication, but once Lorna had set her free - literally and figuratively -, she'd appeared so much happier. So, was that it, having seen someone else be more carefree without a thing that she'd start using now? She wondered how Suzanne was doing. Suzanne now knew both sides of the coin and could tell her what to do.

But she wasn't there, and so Lorna decided to push her worries aside. It had already been embarrassing enough to discuss the matter with the doctor after all; there was no need for any of the inmates to know that "Lorna la Loca" was on psych meds now. The taunting would be relentless, and a problem is only as much of a problem as you make it out to be, right? No, if anyone should ask, she'd tell them that the medication was part of the prenatals, and that's it. Putting trust in people wasn't exactly Lorna's forte, but the doctor was a professional who knew what he was doing, wasn't he?

 

* * *

 

Finally, Vinnie, her dearest husband, paid her a visit.

"I'm so glad you're here," Lorna cooed into the speaker, happy to finally see a friendly face, somebody who had _chosen_ to be here for her. For her and only for her.

"Of course I'm here, my beloved," Vinnie replied and hearing this endearment made the butterflies in Lorna's stomach flutter. "I told you I'd never leave you, didn't I? I mean, you must admit," He let out a nervous chuckle. "it was a little... overwhelming... that you announced your pregnancy like that, shouting it from the rooftop. But when I... uh... _got over_ the shock, I realized that we're gonna be a _family_. And family, my little cannelloni, family's the most important thing in the world." He sat a little taller in his chair. "Family looks out for each other."

 Lorna couldn't help but openly stare at Vinnie with adoration. He was looking like such a man. So strong. So proud. So protective, just like-

She didn't finish her thought.

But he was right. _Family looks out for each other._ And in a place where family wasn't available, you'd take the next best thing. Which, in her case, was D-Block.

She was glad to have her medication these days. The pills didn't exactly take away her pain, but they numbed down her emotions, allowing her to see clearer. And that was just what she needed. She decided to immerse herself more into the lives of her fellow D-Blockers. She'd already realized that certain inmates, especially those in her cleaning crew, held a certain status. If she stuck with them, if she remained on good terms with them, if she proved to be _useful_ for them, she should be fine, and, more importantly, her baby, the little miracle that she'd made with Vinnie, should be fine.

And so, she started to collect information about each and every one. She needed to figure out who was safe to be around with, who had allegiances to whom, who had certain weaknesses... Her little cleaning job came in handy for that since it allowed her to go everywhere, to observe everyone. All she had to do was paying attention, keeping her eyes peeled. A fire sparked up in her chest. She had a mission now.

 

* * *

 

When Lorna had been queuing in the pill line yesterday, she'd met Chapman there. To her immense elation, poor beat-up orange-clad Chapman had told her that both Nicky and Red were here with her, in a different tract of the building, the so-called Administrative Segregation.

So, naturally, Lorna was looking forward to seeing Piper again today and to hear more news from her. Yesterday's wait had been so short that Lorna had barely had the opportunity to ask any questions. Now that she knew that Nicky would eventually come back to her, she was filled with excitement.

To her utter disappointment, however, Piper was nowhere to be seen. And to add insult to injury, the line was abnormally long and the last inmate in the line was so tall that when Lorna queued up behind her, all she could see was the inmate's pink-clad back. She let out a frustrated growl.

Pinky must've heard her because she turned her head and looked down at her. Lorna raised her eyebrows with defiance as to say _'What?'_. In response, Pinky raised her brows as well, but, to Lorna's surprise, with a look of recognition.

"Hey," Pinky said, and upon hearing her voice, Lorna realized that it was Sophia who had run the salon back in camp. Without her wig and make-up, she almost looked like a different person. "Aren't you a friend of Nichols'?"

On the inside, Lorna scoffed. Seems like this was just how people saw her. Not as her own person but as an extension of Nicky. They weren't exactly off the mark, though, she had to admit. Without Nicky, it felt like a part of herself was missing.

"Uh, yes, why-"

"You get to see her, right? She's in your block?"

"Actually, no-"

"Last time I saw her, she wore the same uniform as you."

Lorna didn't know how to respond. This whole exchange made her question her sanity. Was it possible that Nicky had been with her in D-Block the whole time and for some reason, she'd never noticed her?

"Is she okay?" Sophia asked.

"Uh, yeah, I guess..."

"Good, that's good..." Sophia took a deep breath and then, a heavy look in her eyes, she continued. "Please tell her that I'm sorry."

Lorna frowned. "What are you sorry for?"

"She didn't tell you?"

Confused, Lorna gesticulated helplessly. She had no idea what Sophia was talking about, but she grew more and more worried. Something had happened between Nicky and her, and Lorna didn't have a good feeling about it at all.

Sophia let out a sigh. "Look," she started. "You've got to understand what it was like for me. I was holed up in the SHU for _six fucking months_. And it does something to you. You don't get to see or talk to people. You don't know how much time has passed and how long you've still got to stay there. It fucking drives you crazy."

"And I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted a way out. And one day, I saw your friend Nichols there. She was cleaning the hallway-"

And now Lorna realized that Sophia must be talking about Nicky's first stay in Max.

"She's a good one, Nichols. She gave me a magazine to pass the time with. Thing is, I didn't want to pass _time_ , I just wanted to _pass_. And you'd be surprised what you can do with a magazine. The staples, specifically."

Sophia rolled up her sleeves and thrust out her wrists at Lorna. There were faint jagged scars across both of her pulse points.

Realization hit Lorna like a blow. She heard her blood rush in her ears and it made Sophia sound as though she was far, far away when she unnecessarily added "They might've made her clean up the mess I made. Please tell her not to blame herself."

Lorna remembered how strangely Nicky had acted when Sister Ingalls and that Latina woman had asked her about Sophia at her homecoming party. Nicky had looked positively shocked and had fled the scene just to go to that fucking shower-shitting meth head Angie, to score some drugs, as she'd realized later. All of it made sense now. And here she was, Lorna, looking right into the face of the person who had caused that whole mess. Kind, gold-hearted Nicky... Of course she would blame herself for such a thing. Most likely, this was the whole reason why she'd relapsed. Fury surged up in Lorna's chest. She wanted to beat Sophia up, to cause her as much pain as she'd caused her...

"Hey, get the fuck going, assholes!"

A rude voice snapped Lorna out of her thoughts. Turning her head, she realized that herself and Sophia had halted the line and that the inmates behind them were getting impatient.

"Oh, sorry, sorry," she mumbled.

"You tell her, right?" Sophia shot Lorna a last look before she headed to the counter and thus out of Lorna's reach.

Lorna sighed. It wouldn't have helped anyone if she'd wasted her energy like that, anyway. She'd be doing good instead. A warm, tender feeling replaced her anger as she fiercely decided that when Nicky returned to her, she'd take care of her. She'd make sure that she wouldn't blame herself and that she knew how proud she was of her.

 

* * *

 

It was just another morning starting with her cleaning duties in "enemy territory". Lorna hoped that today, she'd be able to spy some more on that shady Shruti Chambal. If she could keep her eyes open long enough, that is.

She'd been suffering from some terrible insomnia lately. It was such a relief that Adeola had introduced her to her pet rats last night, because that gave her something with which she could pass the time that otherwise would've been wasted lying in her bed wishing in vain that sleep would befall her. Lorna's favourite rat was Nutella, though she rather preferred the name Augustine, she pondered, protectively placing her hands onto her small baby bump as she walked out of her cell.

(Adeola had returned to the Gen Pop the day before. The wound that had been inflicted on her wasn't nearly as bad as it had looked, so she had in fact spent most of her time in the Ad Seg. Unfortunately, all she could say about Nicky was that she'd seen a woman fitting her description during phone time shortly before she was transferred. Lorna was relieved. It meant that Nicky yet had to testify and that she, Lorna, just needed to wait a little longer.)

She groggily shuffled towards the gate that separated D-Block from the rest of the prison when she heard one of the COs yell "Inmate Nichols, time for work!"

Lorna stopped in her tracks. Could it be?

And there she was indeed, Nicky, walking out of her cell, looking just as tired as Lorna felt and grumpily muttering something.

Lorna had expected to sooner or later see her again, but nevertheless, the elation that washed over her was overwhelming, and her heart was thumping wildly in her chest, and her mouth split into a broad smile, and she just couldn't help herself.

"Nicky!" she exclaimed, as she threw her arms up in the air, ready to run toward and tackle-hug her best friend, but she stopped herself just at the last possible moment because such an action would surely put them both into the COs' bad book.

But Nicky was already on her way towards her, a tender smile on her face, and suddenly, Lorna found herself tightly enveloped in Nicky's arms. And as Nicky kept walking, leading them away from the prying eyes of the COs, Lorna fiercely clutched at her, savouring the moment as she took in her familiar scent and felt the warmth of her body seep into her own. And for the first time in weeks, she felt genuinely happy, safe, complete, and things were finally just _right_.

On the inside, Lorna let out a small exhilarated laugh. Nicky had been right all along. At the end of the day, things always sorted themselves out somehow. It would never be the same again, that much she knew, but at least she was now certain that everything would just return to shitty normal.


End file.
